I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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