apparently the secret to your success is patron
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
