well I can't set my house on fire every night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
