I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
