how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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