Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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