I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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