I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize