The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
