i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize