Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
