walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
