My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize