how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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