Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize