WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
