Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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