You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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