his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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