Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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