I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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