Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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