Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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