you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I AM VODKA MAN
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
