If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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