Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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