Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
