Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
