your parents love me but you hate me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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