Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
