my mouth tastes like poor choices
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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