Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
