I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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