i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
there was a trapeze. enough said
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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