carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
