i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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