I faked an abortion last night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
