I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He passed out mid-signature
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
