Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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