There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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