Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
