hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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