Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
