Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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