the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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