I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
