Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
