He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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