at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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