My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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