i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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