were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
