two words: eviction party
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize