Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
