I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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