At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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