Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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