I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
