I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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