the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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