I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
