Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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